Beware the Dog
2005-12-29 || Born again AGAIN
Oh my GOSH??!?! This works? It�s been almost two years � almost EXACTLY. I can�t believe this is still here and I can�t believe how much I have been missing writing. So much has happened:

Looking back at my New Year�s Resolutions from 2004 I laugh. They are so similar to what they would be today. Let�s see �

I got married and weighed 105 pounds at my wedding 7 months (to the day) ago. I haven�t quit running but I am not much better/faster than I was before. But I can run 5 miles. I make more money and could find a job easier than I had two years ago due to work experience etc. I do think that I have learned to be a kindler, gentler version of who I was � but that is just because I am more stable. But � writing � nothing. Nada. Zip. This is it, in almost two years!

Today is a bad day for me. I am frazzled and can�t concentrate on work. I want a cigarette but don�t want to smell like smoke. Or my lungs to collapse. I am bummed that even though I make a lot more money than I did then, I am now married and supporting a law student so it feels like less money. I don�t feel like I am very good at my job and have anxiety about being fired. I can�t get back to 105 with out having to plan another wedding while supporting my husband and earning various licenses for a job that I am not very good at. Apparently, it�s been so long since I have written, I am starting to use prepositions at the end of my sentences.

Bitter: About being pretty much a secretary when I know I could be doing more. (Don�t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a secretary, but if that is it, I shouldn�t have worked so hard at college and at getting unnecessary licenses.)

Sad: Because at 29 I still feel like I should be catching up and I don�t know how to. Catch up? To whom? The Jones�, the Smith�s � I don�t care. I just don�t want to feel so far behind.

Lazy: And I do not want to go out with my co-worker for her birthday. But, I know that I should and she�ll probably hate me when I don�t show but really, I can�t afford it and would rather go for a run with my husband. Actually, I would rather grab a blanket, some chick lit books, a box of chocolate, sushi, pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine and curl up somewhere dark and cozy. But I already put some desk chocolate (as in, sits on a co-worker�s desk) away and need the run to balance the chocolate. So, maybe I am not lazy.

Other updates: We still have the two dogs, although Dozie is being fostered until Jan 15 because he nipped a neighbor and was banned from the apt. complex. Weekend of Jan. 15 we are moving to a new little house two miles away. The first time that I have lived with out neighbors and apt. buddies to run to when I am bored. Check here on updates of whether I master being a wife and living in a house with her husband.

I still have the same car. Now it is trashed. The left side being a shell of it�s former self. The side view mirror is in the back seat. I don�t think it will ever be on the car again.

I don�t have the same hair style. In fact, when people see pics of me from two years ago they don�t recognize me. I guess that�s what happens when you work out, grow your hair out and well, grow up. I wear business clothes to work and high heels almost every day. I wear make up and a wedding ring and try to keep my drinking down to a minimum at work functions. If I wanted to get pregnant, no one would think that it was weird or that I was too young. I own a wedding album from my wedding! I have a husband and a gazillion more responsibilities than I did before. Some of those responsibilities are tangible and I knew would be coming and some aren�t. Some pop up at the strangest times, and I learn new ways that I should behave, want to behave.

Time goes faster. A week is much shorter than it used to be. Years only take months. I was relieved to hear that they would be adding a second on to this year. But, seconds only feel like milliseconds some time. I don�t even miss summer vaca like I used to and I worry about having money for when I retire. We haven�t bought a house yet but it�s not in the far future and neither are children or station wagons or face lifts, if I�m not careful.

Last time I wrote in here my boyfriend, B, was starting law school. Now, my husband, B, is about to graduate. He is a man. And, strangely, I have watched him really change into one over the past 6 or 7 years. He will get a job and support us. He had lasik and has eye sight. His body has changed. His hair is cut shorter. He wears suits sometimes and he even owns two! When we go to dinner he wears blazers and owns a pair of loafers. The black thick-rimmed glasses are gone. Cargo pants are packed somewhere in a closet waiting to be thrown away.

Some things never change. We are still as goofy together as we ever were. He is always there when I need him � mostly, if he can be. He still likes to spend evenings snuggled with the dog on the sofa, watching hockey. I still feel happy when I see him.

I am glad to be back here. I am still the same.

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