actually ... i have no idea why i ahve the urge to write because i haven't had any desire at all to write in here, in my personal diary or really, anywhere for quite a while. since october 18, i guess. at least that is when my last entry was. and it was just a five for five thingy. not a real entry.

my second christmas was fun. i am still waiting for cookies and tree decorating and caroling and all those things that i had always believed that christains do. but still, i had lots of fun. hanukkah was nice also. crunchy potato pancakes and menorah lighting. good times.

but i get so worried about christmas since b's family is so scary to me. but i think i did a good job this year. and i made out like a bandit! new coah bag, tiffany bracelet, j. crew slippers that are like leg warmers with feet, bath bubbles with seven different smells - one for every day of the week, money from the parent's for a vacationt that i can no longer afford, protein bars in the stocking for when i am cravung candy although i had two tiny peices of chocolate less than an hour ago and a three new smelly candles that are all fantastic and yummy smelly. musky and sweet in the best way. The candles are living in the bathroom and have been lit each time I have taken a bubble bath. That is two lightings so far.

B and I met some friend's from college last night. We also met up with some of my friend's from high school. It was nice in that we are getting older and why don't I have anything in common with these people anymore.

Sometimes I am sad to think about how I have changed. Other times I am releived that I am not as pretentious as I was in college. Always worrying abotu knowing people that read the right books and periosicals, knowing the right movies. Watching Almadovar and loving the subtitles. Now, I am so concerned with working out, running, clothes, designer labels. I can't figure out how I like better. If there is one that I like better. B told me last night that he liked me better when I was reading all the time. But I know that he is releived that I am as cute as I am now with my deisgner bags and makeup. Skinnier and more tone than I have ever been before. He wants both and sometimes I am so concentrated on meeting goals that I forget who I actually am.

When will I be successful and feel good? Tell me that!

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