Beware the Dog
2005-12-30 || Insurance
Itís a strange thing coming back here after so much time. I feel like I am back in my high school cafeteria looking around to see if there is anyone that I know that is still hanging out here. I looked at the some of the diaries that I used to read. There are only a few still writing and the oneís that do, write rarely. Itís understandable. I couldnít have been the only one to grow up a little, fall in love, get busy with work.

I am sitting in my office with no windows. Two days until 2006 begins. Last night B said that he is freaked out because it feels like we had the ďmillennial new yearĒ just moments ago. Now we are more than half over with this decade. More than half of a decade has flown by me. I worry that I donít have enough to show for it.

Months ago one of my close friends lost their home to a fire. They took all these lists of their possessions for the insurance company. Afterwards, anxious of how easy it is to loose all you own and at the advice of our friend, B walked around and took pictures of our stuff. We have 50 or so digital images saved to each of our e-mail accounts that can be accessed from any computer; piles of messy sweaters, rows of hanging clothes, by meager and recently accumulated jewelry, stacks of dog eared books, shoes and underpants strewn in the corner of my closet, cleaning products stuffed in bathroom cabinets, pots and pans and over thirty settings of dishes inherited from a party that my step-mom had saved in her basement. Itís all so brightly colored. I am such a sucker for bright packaging. And messy, itís all so messy. Why B didnít wait for me to clean up Iíll never know! (Maybe/Probably because I never would.) But, one day, while I was at work, he took these snap shots and we saved them. They are waiting for use in case we ever lose it all. Sometimes when I am checking my e-mail I look to pull them up and look at them.

Recently, I have been doing this with my life; reviewing all the pictures of stuff that I have stuffed in the corners of my mind, all of the hurts from the past year, all of the good times, a lot of the fun and goofy stuff and some of the more sensitive stuff. I am trying to compartmentalize it, to shove it into sloppy stacks and hoist it onto shelves. Take its picture and light it on fire so that I all I have left are some photos saved to my hard-drive. I can conjure it up, if I need to remember it. But I can shut it down when necessary also.

This year was not the easiest of the sectioned off 365 day stints in my life. But it definitely wasnít the most difficult. I got married and wore a pretty white dress which was awesome for a weekend and hell for the year leading up. I helped my husband through law school and am immensely proud and disappointed in both of us. I fought and hated and made up with my in-laws. Suffered their hatred and did what I had to do as a fiancťe and as a wife. I made friends and almost lost friends and some are still in the process of leaving. But I grew closer to some and closer to some family. All of the bad has come with some good and I feel better and stronger for it.


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