I am estimating that I have eaten approximately 875 calories of food so far today.� I have had a half a bowl of cereal (180 calories), two small plums (40), an orange (50), a protein bar (180), chicken and beans and rice (140+150+290), strawberries and blueberries (130) and a diet soda (1).� Why can�t I get full?� Why can�t I stop being an eating disordered obsessive something something?� Last night after wedding dress shopping with my sister, I watched �Made� an M-TV show where people right in and ask to be made into whom they want to be as in �. �Made:� Life Guard�� (that was the one that I watched last night or �Made:� A Beauty Queen (a favorite of mine � when her boyfriend breaks up with her, she punches him in the nose.)� I love it!

 

Last night�s epi was about a college aged girl (woman?) named Dawn with little to no self esteem who needs to �shape up physically� to become her dream �. a lifeguard (beach not pool.)� She gets her shit together and really does become a hella� swimmer and runner but through out the entire show they focus on how she can�t see her progress because she is too busy comparing her body to those of the hot-ass, ripped lifeguards.�

 

Seeing as I had an emotional day � wedding dresses and the such, I was a little weepy when I watched the show.� Mostly I cried because I feel like that girl.� No matter how much I improve, no matter how much lower the scale gets, no matter what other people say, I see the fat inner thighs, the yellow teeth the flabby stomach and back, the saggy breasts.� Someone always has a prettier face, better body, nicer clothes and it sucks.� I don�t even know what I am competing for.� There aren�t any prizes.� No big checks for a million dollars for when I finally look good enough.� I am already in a relationship and he likes me dumpy and chubby or thinner and chicer � is �Chicer� a word?� The computer seems to think so.

 

I have always wanted to be the good, attractive, well put together, smart one.� In my screwy head people that are thin and dresses well always seem more emotionally stable.

 

There is an article in the most recent Fitness magazine that says many women that lose weight are often not prepared for the emotions that come through afterwards.� The article says that many women feel like losing the weight will make them a new person.� An example of this would be that the shy people feel like they might become more outgoing and won�t be afraid of dancing in public when they lose the weight.� Oh wait, that was me that felt that way �.and I was wrong.� But then again, I still feel fat.