|Beware the Dog|
|2003-04-06 || Fix it|
I can't sleep tonight. Unbelievably, it is 3 frikkin' a.m. in the morning right now. I know that I am going to be hurting in four hours but I just can't make myself nod off. I am so relieved that we have this computer at home right now. I can't imagine what I would be doing with out it ... It has been so long since I have had insomnia, I don't remember what I used to do. Smoke cigarettes and write? Damn, I knew that I never should have quit smoking.
I was lying on the sofa a few minutes ago - the boyfriend snores, badly - and being very upset about the realization that I don't really have any close friends and apparently, I don't know how to make any. Even as I get to know people there is a part of me that just isn't interested in getting closer to people. Part panic, part fear, and the rest is ... who knows?
I always feel like I have just said or done something wrong. I hate that I am so negative, not any fun, not smart enough or logical enough. I spend so much time trying to fix myself and I still suck. Other people have flaws, I know. But I must have uber-flaws to be this unlikeable, this incapable. I wonder if people think that the boyfriend is nuts for being with me?
Am I boring? Mean?
All of these thoughts are overwhelming. I know that I need thicker skin, but how to get it? There isn't a turtle shell store in any mall that I know of. I am tired of feeling guilty, bad ... But I don't know how to fix it.