Beware the Dog
2003-04-02 || mommy dearest
I just got off the phone with my grandmother. I had forgotten her birthday - like an asshole - and then lied about it - like a bigger asshole. Which I am, a huge asshole, I mean. I feel really horrible now. She lives so far. She doesn't even know where she is going for Passover and I just feel so frikkin' bad. All the money that I don't even have that I spend on stupid clothes. Stupid stupid clothes. But I haven't even looked up airfare. Damn.

Last night I watched the five for dinner show with John Favreau. It was kind of a let down. Janene Garofalo and Dave Eggers were on, but it just didn't pan out and there seemed to be less real conversation than when Ben Affleck was on. Maybe it just isn't the right forum for them.

I am writing this at home and my little dog is running around the room eating everyhting that she can find on the floor, its of dust, plaster shavings, fluff. The computer is kept in the "boy room" which is a back room that has weights, weight bench, two beat up sofas, treadmill and a desk with computer. B's baseball cards are stored in here. So are some of his other "boy" stuff from when he was a kid. Really I use the "boy room" more than he does. He doesn't work out nearly as much as I do. AllI have is a samll part of a drawer for my pictures from when I was a baby. My mother mailed them to me when my younger sister got married. Sometimes I look over the pictures and the note that she mailed with them and I wonder if she was actually trying to reach out.

I left her home when I was fifteen. Tired of the yelling, threats and cruelty, my older sister and I moved in with my father and step-mom and my younger sister stayed with my mother. She hadn't really spoken to me since.

Two years ago, before my little sister was married, I got a package in the mail from her. It was all my baby pictures and a note saying here, you might want these, see you soon. I was devastated. Two days later my father got a similar package and the following day my older sister received one also. When we arrived at the wedding this woman in a purple dress came running over. When I figured out that it was my mother, I turned and ran the other way. She wasn't as scary as I remembered. But she was as bitter. I haven't seen her since the wedding.

I don't know why I wrote all of that. But I feel better anyway.

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