Beware the Dog
2003-05-20 || A day in the ....
It's been a very rough and whiny few weeks for me ... both work and home has been so frikkin' stressful and I have completely let all of the anxiety take over. The boyfriend and I have been having all types of issues and while I hope that they are of the type that are resolv-able, if they aren't, does anyone need a roommate? And two more dogs?

My job is stressful because what I do has to do with a lot of people and their emotions. So, I guess that my job is ... well ... emotional.

This past Sunday, I did a favor for a local group that raises money for animal welfare organizations by holding "events" at a local tavern. The tavern is a fun one and just moments from my apartment. So, I did a small orientation and speech for them. I was so self conscious the entire time. I have no idea how all of this social-anxiety has gotten so messy with me. I always used to be around people, hanging out .... now when I get into groups, I actually start checking to see if the other girls are prettier than me.

How did I get here?!?!? This is so not me.

I am resolving to take some time off from shopping. And I am packing up the designer labels for the time being ... OK ... except for the Seven Jeans. Because I NEED the Seven Jeans. But everything else is going in carefully labeled boxes and bags until I can act like a human again. One that loves books and the river park and writes stories and doesn't constantly worry about being pretty.

The boyfriend finally received all of his loan info and it looks like we are more than in the clear for next year. It is so hard to beleive that after all this time, he is actually starting law school. I hope that he likes it - or, well, doesn't hate it. Well ... doens't hate it too badly.

When it comes to the boyfriend these days, I feel so confused. We went from looking up engagement rings and talking about wether we would raise Jewish children. (Small and princess cut and Jewish until they are 13 with an open mind. Only one child.) Now, I barely trust a thing that comes out of his mouth. This really does feel crappy.

I know what I need but sometimes it is very difficult for me to figure out how to get there.

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