Sometimes I hate working on Saturdays.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Today is not one of those days.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> And despite having gotten a bit of work

done, it is only 10:10 a.m. and I am already

href="http://www.gap.com/html/tools/charts/bras_popup.asp#panties">panty

shopping at Gap.

Do I have the money to be doing this?

Nope. Am I sure that I am going

to go through with this order?

Nep. But when you are dying to

shop, you have to at least �window shop�.

I really do need new bras. I

have very few because my breasts are too big and it is pointless for me not to

buy the good ones. I�ll never be that

girl that can wear a t-shirt with out a bra, unless I have the reduction

surgery that I have always wanted. But,

I am so afraid of the pain. I watch MTV

people. I have seen the look on women�s

faces when they roll out of cosmetic surgery.

I am a wuss and clearly not narcissistic enough to go under the blade �

I am close though, I had an appointment with a

plastic surgeon when I graduated from college. I even tried to get insurance to cover the reduction.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Apparently the only do it for �women that

are larger than me.� Which makes no sense.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> You would think it would be much more

harmful to my 5 ft. frame to carry 34 D breasts than a woman that was 5� 8� �

right? I wanna� wear a tube top.

I have a piss-poor

href="http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0501.htm">body image and I always

have. I am so one of those women that

feels like she is threatened and self conscious in public because I feel like I

stick out like a sore thumb. I am so

wrapped up in my body image that I even have a hard time believing other women

that say that they are comfortable with their bodies. The only time that I am really comfy with my physical body is

when I am working out.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> In college I always took these classes about

women�s treatment and post-modern discourse about the

href="http://dir.salon.com/ent/movies/review/2000/04/21/suicides/index.html">male

gaze. Last night the boyfriend and

I watched Roger Dodger.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Roger spends a lot of time in this movie

talking about the male gaze and even going further expressing exactly how it is

that a man can look at a woman. It�s a strange

flick, if you should ever get the chance � It�s the story of a single ad-writer

living in Manhattan, who teaches his run-away nephew about women, getting laid

and gets back at his boss and former lover all in one adventurous night.

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Half way through the movie he Roger had

smoked so many cigarettes that I wanted to shower and the boyfriend wanted to

start smoking again.

Three hours later �

I am still not sure of how much work I am getting done

today.